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Kevlar for the Mind: Facing common family problems after deployment

Unless you are one of those lucky few who see no noticeable change in themselves or their loved ones after deployment, you can expect things to be a little off. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong, it’s just the way things are for most people. The questions below highlight some of the more typical family problems.

Q. I recently returned from a 12-month deployment to Iraq. Since I’ve been back, my 13-year-old son doesn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me. He wasn’t like this before I left.

Being a parent of a teenager is a challenge whether you are in the military or not; encountering emotional and physical distance after returning from deployment may just be a product of him being a teenager. However, if you believe this to be something more, it’s always a good idea to have an honest and direct conversation with your child. Ask him if he needs to talk with you about what his life was like when you were gone. Is he angry that you missed out on important events? Remember — it’s a conversation, not an interrogation. The latter is a surefire way of creating more distance.

Q My husband hasn’t been the same since he got back from Afghanistan. He doesn’t talk to me and would rather work than come home to his family. I don’t know what to do.

This is an all-too-common complaint from military spouses. When a service member withdraws from loved ones, it can be devastating. The spouse may cycle through emotions such as shame, guilt, sadness and worry. She may feel helpless in that she wants to be supportive, but doesn’t know how. The best thing is to offer support, provide him some space and time, and encourage him to talk with someone he trusts if things don’t get better. If that doesn’t work, ask someone he trusts — a friend, co-worker or family member — to talk with him.

Q Our son just came home from being in Iraq for six months. He used to be really close with us and his brothers. Now, he won’t even go to dinner with the family.

It’s difficult when your child comes home from war changed. As a parent, you understandably want him to be the way he was before he left. As I have mentioned before, deployment changes a person. Some changes are good, and some are not so good. It’s best to use your parental instincts. You know your child better than anyone else. If something is not right, don’t wait. Encourage him to get help ASAP.

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Bret A. Moore is a clinical psychologist who served two tours in Iraq and is the author of “Wheels Down: Adjusting to Life after Deployment.” You can e-mail him. Names and identifying details will be kept confidential. This column is for informational purposes only. Readers should see a mental health professional or physician for mental health problems.