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Kevlar for the mind: Moving on after a breakup

Divorce, separation and break-ups can happen to anyone. But in the military, they can be even more difficult — especially if your significant other gave you no indication of trouble before you deployed. You know people who have gone through this; maybe it has happened to you.

Breakups are never easy, and they are much harder when they are unexpected or accompanied by the additional stressors after a deployment.

I’ve heard of service members being served divorce papers after stepping onto the pier after a six-month deployment; who have come home to find their spouse living with another person; who have come home to find their spouse pregnant with someone else’s baby; and who have come home to find their boyfriend married to someone else.

To face something like this after you’ve been out of the country fighting a war can be devastating. Here are some tips for managing your emotions and avoiding bad decisions:

Don’t avoid your pain. Being dumped while you are on deployment hurts — no doubt about it. Some say it’s like being run over by a truck or being on a roller coaster. You are going to feel some strong emotions, the most common of which are confusion, anger, numbness, shock and sadness.

You will want to know why. You might want to hurt someone. You might want to crawl into a bottle or just not leave your house. It’s important for you to acknowledge that you’re hurting and not avoid your feelings. Once you are focusing on your rational thoughts and not your emotions, you can start making reasonable decisions.

Talk to someone — but not your soon-to-be ex. Talk to a friend, your first sergeant or chief, a counselor, your mother — whomever you know who listens, gives good advice and isn’t afraid to tell you when you aren’t thinking straight. Talking to someone who has overcome a breakup is also a good idea.

If you have children, remember that how you behave around your significant other and what you say to each other will have profound effects on them for life. Whether this will be positive or negative is up to you. Divorce is hard on kids — there is no need to make it harder.

Don’t allow yourself to be seduced by your ex — and don’t try to seduce your ex, either. Sex between people who are going through a breakup is a bad idea.

Trust me: A few minutes of feeling good isn’t worth the emotional fallout to follow.

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Bret A. Moore is a clinical psychologist who served two tours in Iraq and is the author of “Wheels Down: Adjusting to Life after Deployment.” E-mail kevlarforthemind@militarytimes.com. Names and identifying details will be kept confidential. This column is for informational purposes only. See a mental health professional or physician for mental health problems.