There are a few simple truths in life: The Earth is round. The Sun is hot. Humans need oxygen to breathe. And Marines love to eat crayons.
No one is quite sure where or how that last fact came to be, but as far back as contemporary lore goes, nary a devil dog can say they haven’t heard at least one joke about their beloved Corps being full of colorful wax-snack eaters.
And while several enterprising boots have made novelty crayons that indeed are safe for consumption, these chocolate or cake-based treats don’t take into account what flavors would really appeal to a die-hard Marine.
These are some of the best.
Spam and Eggs
There’s nothing quite like a breakfast of canned pig meat laced with sodium nitrite. And if you’ve got eggs on hand to go with it, you’ve got a happy Marine.
Room-temperature Pabst Blue Ribbon
Ask any Marine, nothing says “Oohrah America” quite like a room-temperature PBR. Nary a night of barracks mayhem was fueled without a little warm beer.
The Color Red
A Marine’s favorite color is also the best flavor: Red. ‘Nuff said.
Marines undoubtedly know how to get down and dirty better, perhaps, than any other branch. There is no chance that anyone who sports the Eagle, Globe and Anchor didn’t develop a little fondness for the taste of mud.
Skoal Original Fine Cut Wintergreen
Despite the obvious health issues presented by tobacco, dip is perhaps as synonymous with ground combat as muddy brogans. That fresh and spicy wintergreen is by far the preferred flavor. A crayon of this variety will take you right back to boot camp, for better or worse.
Dry Socks and Ibuprofen
A change of socks and some pain meds are just what the doc ordered. After a wet ruck march, there is nothing better than the feeling of fresh knits on dry piggies and the muscle-relaxing qualities of ibuprofen as you hit the hay.
Blood of the Enemy
This is not to say that Marines are vampires, but, as far as crayon flavors go, the blood of the enemy is pretty sweet. We think Marine Gens. Chesty Puller, Jim Mattis and Smedley Butler would agree.
Chili-Mac is everybody’s favorite MRE. But it holds a special place among Marines because, let’s face it, they’re basically all still 11 years old, and macaroni with meat sauce is as elementary as it gets.
Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.