“MIKE IS A CHEATER.”
The spray-painted accusation adorned the Mitsubishi Outlander Sport’s hood and sides, eliciting uncomfortable stares of pedestrians — perhaps a Mike or two — passing its Northeast D.C. parking spot.
Gone were the SUV’s side mirrors. The front and rear windshields? Smashed. Other windows and the license plate had also been spray-painted.
It’s not often Jody is actually doled out a vengeful dish, but the still-unidentified vandal was adamant that Mike receive a Thanksgiving-sized serving. There was only one problem — the car didn’t belong to Mike.
“I do not even know anyone named Mike,” decidedly non-Mike-monikered Army veteran Nedra-Iman Brantley wrote in a Facebook post after discovering her vehicle.
The Mississippi native and former Geospatial Intelligence Analyst was in disbelief in the early morning hours of Nov. 14 after being awoken by her friend and informed of the Mitsubishi’s new Mike-inspired modifications on the latest episode of “Simp My Ride”.
Brantley, who now works as a dedicated aide for select middle school students, told Military Times she subsequently notified police but there have been no updates on the vandal as of publication. She added that she is currently working with USAA on getting the vehicle fixed and said the battered car is in the shop awaiting appraisal.
As for the mysterious Mike, Brantley is (sarcastically) requesting that he contact the 5th District Police “so we can find out who did this.”
“Oh, and be more careful,” she added.
Whether other unfortunate like-Mike cars are in the sort of crosshairs that would make even the jingle writers at 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS shudder remains to be seen.
But if the perpetrator is following the story, Brantley has some simple words of advice.
“Make sure you know your target before undertaking a mission,” she joked. “Just some friendly advice from a veteran.”
J.D. Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.