Massachusetts Air National guardsman Jack Teixeira is alleged to have made no shortage of questionable decisions of late — reports of Teixeira spilling state secrets on Discord, maintaining a personal firearms cache, and spewing hate messages on social media have circulated faster than “woke” in a Facebook comment thread.
Nothing, however, is quite as offensive as Teixeira’s repulsive bedroom, the photos of which reveal a space oozing with revolting decorative touches that seemingly cry out for the help of any who possess interior design taste that exceeds that of a fourth grader.
Let’s get to work.
Starting with the walls
The curdled cream yellow color forming the foundation of the haphazardly placed brown and green camouflage wall stickers is putrid. No one, to our knowledge, has ever willingly dwelled amid blister pus-colored walls — until now.
We suggest swapping in an elegant sage green, sans camo, that could still convey a sense of military pride while implying at least a modicum of taste that suggests to visitors, “Hey, I’m an adult.”
Speaking of wall stickers...
If the camouflage stickers plastered over every square foot of vertical space weren’t enough to rob any unfortunate visitor of their eyesight, Teixeira made sure to seal the vision depriving deal by inexplicably adorning a space normally reserved for a bed’s headboard with a peel-and-stick Abrams tank.
Much like the subject of the sticker, the idea tanks Teixeira’s room. To harmonize with the sage walls, we recommend installing a bamboo colored bed. Realistically, however, any bed and headboard — a poorly assembled model constructed with grocery store shipping crates, for example — would provide a significant upgrade.
Also, a mattress on the floor? Gross. One might as well just opt for a full tank bed — much like this gun turret-equipped model seen on Etsy.
The choice of sky blue bedding does not mesh with ... well, anything, especially not the window-blocking camouflage netting Teixeira installed for vampirical UV protection.
Dark green curtains would continue Teixeira’s patriotic theme while contrasting delightfully with the sage green and bamboo.
Of course, anything that emits natural light is a step in the right direction, unless Teixeira’s goal was to craft an underground bunker where he can slowly transform into the cape-donning Orin from “Parks and Recreation.”
If a doomsday prepper bunker is the goal, the fan light fixture, at the very least, should be swapped for something a bit more thematic — perhaps outdoor wall sconces. These classics are all the rage in mine shafts and fallout shelters.
That shelving thing
The military often uses grey, green and brown filing cabinets to store its wares, and this cedar shelving unit simply cannot abide.
There’s just no stylish way to allegedly stash top secret documents in a storage space without proper drawers.
We suggest upgrading to a dresser, cabinet or even an armoire that could also house what is sure to be Teixeira’s expansive collection of camouflage clothing, shirts with comically aggressive messaging and Punisher stickers.
Disclaimer: This is satire and not the perspective of a licensed interior decorator.
Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.
Jon Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.